WE RANGE OVER SUBJECTS AS DIVERSE AS CYCLING HEADGEAR, SHAVED BODIES, DRUGS, THE BANNING OF GOLD MEDALLISTS AS WELL AS PIGS’ INNARDS AND TOOTHPASTE.

SCIENCE AND THE OLYMPICS

Check out how that cycling helmet, serious research in action, the way it helps the ride, the way it accepts the resistant air works with the wind, and treats it like a friend all the way from the head, down the neck and back and out towards the poor saps pedalling along behind.

And it wasn’t just a cute idea; to Chris Boardman it meant a world record, an Olympic gold medal and a place in history.

Watch how high jumpers jump backwards. It’s called the Fosbury flop. Dick Fosbury by the time the 1968 Olympics began, had done his research, worked out the entire event, and knew how much higher he could jump with that twist after the run-up. That’s what research always does, when necessity coins a cliché. Good research always raises the bar higher. World record. Gold medal. Place in history.

If you don’t believe us, stay with the swimmers rather than clicking the remote. They have shaved their heads and their bodies for the sake of hundredths of a second. A swimmer from Africa will hit the headlines because he has only just learned to swim, and knows about waves and rocks and wears trunks. But nobody makes it to the finals of a swimming event at the Olympics without an outfit that is both daringly skimpy and lightweight. In one of the races swum by the Australian Thorpedo there he was in a special suit that allowed for greater sliding and gliding. World record, gold medal. And he’s only 17; we shall most probably hear more of him.

Then there are the different ways in which the swimmers move now. Underwater cameras and studies conducted over decades have shown how much more speed may be achieved by a tumble-turn, by breathing lower in the water, by emulating a dolphin when doing the butterfly; and how that awkward, jerky wave during the breaststroke my look silly but adds considerably to power and swiftness

Every four years people gather to take what may be for most of these athletes the chance of a lifetime, the attention to detail and the planning are infinitely careful, and there is the narrowest whisker between immortality and obscurity, which, after all, is virtual death.

Have you noticed the boxer, Rocky Juarez — note the name Rocky. He’s been working out with special computerised punch-bags and tailor-made video equipment. Serious stuff. For top athletes — and this has been true for decades - every atom of food, every moment of training, every minute of sleep, partying and even — or should we say, especially — every opportunity for sex is monitored and analysed. As billions watch, competitors play out their lifelong dreams, and most dreams crash in fewer seconds than you have eggs in a month.

If it pays off, of course, you never have to train again.

And while paying off, in the Olympic tradition, may mean ‘taking part’ (yeah, right!), in truth that means gold medals, world records, a place in history, as well as perks, lovers, contracts, lovers, megamega - mega megamega, megabucks, and lovers. And money.

Things have changed since the days when, if there was a hint of athletes earning money out of sport, gold medals had to be sent back. Now of all the marketing techniques the Olympics has ever devised, the major marketing effort is going towards marketing the notion that there’s ‘no marketing’.

They’re doing their best to create that appearance. They are hardly being helped by Aussie policemen warning spectators off bringing Pepsis into any stadium — because Coke may get upset. Try and buy something around the Olympic Village using any credit card other than Visa, see how far you get. And tell us clearly and in plain language what Samsung and Panasonic have worked out in terms of — whatever it is they do. Let’s not even get into the positioning of logos! Naturally as soon as you warm to your theme, someone’ll be by your side asking how else the millions for such a vast event could have been found, and explaining that if a company coughs up millions they can’t be blamed for wanting something for their dosh.

But — oh yes, we started out talking about science. So we can hardly leave out some mention of DRUGS, and substance abuse.

One most unfortunate young woman, Karnam Malleswari of India, who won a weightlifting bronze medal, had to answer a most unusual charge for a sportsperson: "I was very tense and unhappy,'' she complained. "They said I was drinking beer and eating cheese. "So? Weightlifting has one of the most rigorous tests when it comes to consuming the unacceptable. But, what was the problem there? "A lot of people thought I was overweight and wouldn't perform well."

Oh. Right. "I don't understand where that came from. Who did they talk to?'' she said, inviting those who may be interested to talk to her coach. Don’t suggest having a beer with him, please.

The point is, though, that it’s all very well praising weightlifters for their strict drugs tests, but no-one seems to realise that the real crime of these oversized people is noise pollution. They are bigger and heavier — it’s a fact — and somehow their grunts, roars and shouts are the loudest in sport. One female weightlifter from Hungary is clearly addicted, especially to the ‘Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ sound. She is doing damage to the ecology, and, what’s more she will suffer in later life.